A Journey to Stillness – One Month Later
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A Journey to Stillness – One Month Later
So, here I am immersed back into my everyday life. The time I took in January has helped me realize just how much gratitude I have for my life. I am blessed with work I love and feel passion for even after 38 years. I have so much that sources me in my life.
Knowing all this, feeling all this every day, I have been surprised what has arisen over the past month. I spent every day of my trip asking myself, “What do I want to do today”? And am only now realizing that the question that lies underneath that question is actually, “What will I allow myself today”?
I came home feeling so centered and peaceful. Proud of myself for my success in the journey to stillness. I can still feel the stillness yet, I can also see that underneath the stillness has emerged another more intriguing question. Okay, and perhaps a more challenging question. “What will I allow myself today”?
The other stimulation for this line of query is the preparation for the course Jen and I begin teaching next month, “The Path of A Spiritual Warrior”. I have learned over the years I have taught workshops and retreats, that whatever I am preparing to teach always teaches me. The courses ask of me to come home to whatever might be the focus of that particular topic. I have always felt I must have some experience with what I am teaching to come from a place of integrity. Not from a place of something I have read in a book, but from a place inside that has been there, knows that or feels that as well.
The question begs for my attention. Not platitude or a simple, quick fix. It has become my daily friend, quietly, patiently waiting for me. While it waits for my answer, I find myself restless, irritable. Well, of course, I will allow myself whatever I want. Won’t I? I would have said a definite yes before this. I would have said that I have loved myself enough to allow myself to have what it is that I want. But, alas, that is not entirely true. The very fact that the question can bring up this amount of aversion is testimony to my uncertainty that I actually allow myself what I want all the time. And begs yet another question: What do I feel I deserve ? How willing am I to commit to myself in a loving, kind, compassionate way everyday? Am I willing to allow myself to be vulnerable, to admit that there are places in my life where I don’t allow myself to be all I can be, do all I choose, love myself in a whole-hearted way ?
What does my soul want? What is the truth? Over and over in my life, I have come to crossroads where I know, it is time for me to take a risk and to tell the truth. I have always had a thirst for the truth. And I believe that telling the truth sets us free. The truth is ultimately an act of kindness and an act of love. So, I begin by being willing to tell myself the truth. From this place the question, “What will I allow myself today”, demands the truth I say I believe.
As this question works it’s way through me, I find the places where I withhold love from myself. The places where I still can abandon myself by not listening to my need for solitude or my need to be kinder to myself. Every place where I am withholding love and respect for myself is the place where I won’t allow self- acceptance and love. Working with what I will allow myself shows me the aspects of me that I am ashamed to show. The selfish part of me. The part of me that is angry and when I deny that anger, blames and punishes. Will I allow myself to love that part of me as well? My heart is broken open with the honesty of all of me. When I allow myself to just be with me, all of me, I find humility, freedom and yes, stillness.
So, I will continue my quest to answer the question. I will allow it to work it’s way through my heart until I can allow myself acceptance and love for myself and for my journey to my own heart’s longing. I remain grateful for the opportunity to share my journey with you.