A Journey to Stillness, Part 4
The issue of surrender seems to be what is in my consciousness the past few days. The issues with water have remained a problem in the house I have been staying at. I have been cared for very well by the owner, who has dealt with the issues long distance. I have been hiking, staying in a nice hotel and doing just fine. Yet, I can feel the part of me that still has a struggle with things that don’t go just the way I want them to go. I mostly feel, “it is what it is”, yet I can also see that underneath all that, I want to make things be what I want, in the way I want.
Surrender means: to yield to the possession or power of another; to give oneself up to some influence, course or emotion. For me, the whole idea of giving myself over to another feels uncomfortable. I guess my question is, does surrender mean I have to give myself up, or is it actually more the process of learning to be comfortable with just what is. I have been playing with this question while hiking and being with what is in the various aspects of my life. What areas can I surrender the most easily? What settles most comfortably in my heart? Where do I cause myself the most discomfort?
If I love someone, am I actually willing to surrender myself to them? What do I believe that requires of me? I am clear I am no longer willing at this stage of my life to give myself up to be with another. I don’t believe love asks that of us. I believe in compromise, negotiation, willingness, which don’t feel the same as giving myself away. I don’t believe we are ever required to give ourselves up to be in partnership of any kind.
Yet, surrender can also be a way that we allow ourselves to be open to deeper vulnerability. Surrender can open the door for more willingness to arise. If I am willing to surrender to what life brings and just allow it to form and inform me, I may be opening myself to more of the mystery of life. Asking myself each day, “What do I want to do today”?, is a form of surrender. Asking myself what do I feel about what is happening is a form of surrender. The process of allowing life to be what it is and not always resisting, is the same process.
Surrender can build resiliency and trust. It can open the door to greater vulnerability and open – heartedness, which can lead us to trust ourselves more. I can clearly see that one great gift of the water issue at the house is the gift to be willing to be with what is and that gives me a sense of mastery. I can’t change what is happening, but I can certainly honor and allow the part of me that adapts to situations with grace and ease. In allowing a situation I cannot change to inform me and strengthen me, I can bring this same knowing to other experiences I bring to my life. This teaching can open me to a deeper willingness inside myself that allows me to make kinder choices for my life. And to practice surrender, which has been showing me my strength and willingness to be with what just is. I find my heart filled with such gratitude.